I'm about to get super real here for a minute.
Just like always.
The amount of gratefulness I have for being able to be a mama is incredible. It's something I waited quite a while for and something I prayed HARD for. My children are the absolute most amazing things that have ever happened to me. I am blessed so stinkin' much! God gave me these most precious gifts and I will never be able to thank Him enough.
However, parenthood is tough sometimes. Mamahood, especially. And I want to make my blog a place of less negative, more positive...but I also want to be REAL. And OPEN. And comforting to anyone who may need it. I want to share that my life, like everyone else's is far from perfect, no matter how awesome it is...or seems to be.
I absolutely without a doubt have the best job in the world. I get to be Grayson and Liam's mom. I am blessed to be able to have a wonderful hardworking and supportive husband who allows me to stay at home with our kiddos. We don't make tons of money (by a long stretch!) but we make do. It's important to us and I thank the Lord every day He is allowing me to be able to be doing what I've longed to do for so long.
Being a mom is the most rewarding experience I have ever had. It's challenging, but man does the good outweigh the bad! My boys keep me busy and having them only 13.5 months apart adds a whole new level to the challenges, but guys, it's so awesome!
Anyway, I said all that to say this. I had a breakdown at dinner the other night. In public. With friends.
I haven't been getting much sleep the last 11 months (thank you, sweet Liam :)) and neither has Nate. But we keep pushing on, just like we should. It was Saturday and the day had started out awesome. We felt more rested that usual, the boys were being so silly and crazy, but good.
Then, I had some cleaning and picking up to do. Then, I felt rushed (like I do so often than not), then I got grumpy. Then, Nate and I got grumpy at each other. Then I cried. Then I had to communicate it out while in the car on the way to my sister's house so Nate could help her with her car.
Then, as he helped with the car and Tana and I were upstairs with all four of the boys (she also has two little boys-the same ages as my two), listening to the bickering, the playing, the rough housing, the crying...(Tana...if you see this-I am so grateful for you! We just get through this together, don't we?! haha)...I felt myself getting more worn out.
But, we had dinner plans with our dear friends, the Stoll's and were really looking forward to seeing them and their two sweet kids! We get to dinner. Red Robin. That we all love. Shoot, I picked the place for crying out loud!
It was busy. They sat us and we waited for our friends. Because of the busy-ness and seating options, we could only get a highchair for Liam and a highchair for Hannah. That meant Grayson would sit in a booster seat beside me. We've just started this and so far, so good.
Then all of a sudden, Nate didn't feel good. Liam couldn't be calmed. Grayson started acting out and kept insisting on "widin' the pwane!"...there was a decorative plane hanging from the ceiling that he thought he could ride. Bless his heart.
Our friends arrived. The restaurant was so loud. I don't know if this was a blessing or a curse. I'm gonna go with blessing because just minutes later I lost it.
Grayson was so upset because he couldn't get down, he kept pulling on me, trying to get out. Liam was screaming because he didn't want the yogurt, the fruit, the puffs, the fries, the milk...nothing that we gave him. He kept arching his back to get out of the highchair. I looked over at Nate who was just blank. He just wasn't feeling good.
I couldn't talk to our friends. It just seemed like such chaos. And in that moment I just wanted to walk out. No kids. No husband. No diaper bag. Nothing. Just go. Be gone.
But, I couldn't. And I wouldn't. So, I didn't.
Shew.
But, man was I irritated. I just wanted 10 minutes to sit and relax. To think about what to order and order it and eat it in peace. To have good conversation with our dear friends.
That didn't happen.
Instead, I semi-yelled at Grayson for not settling down...and Nate (after he kept complaining to me about there being "Something wet and sticky in this pocket of the diaper bag! You need to clean that out!") Then I caught myself tossing stuff out of my way. And I just remember getting so hot and flustered and looking at Nate saying "I can't handle this. This is driving me insane. I am over this!"
This.
What exactly was "this?" Not sure. I didn't mean my kids. or my family. Or our friends.
I meant that moment.
I think.
;)
I was just irriated and had no way out.
But, then I looked at my sweet, sobbing babies (yes, both were now in full-on cry mode by this point) and my overtired, sick husband and our friends and their sweet babes and snapped out of it.
Then, I apologized to Nate. And then to Grayson and Liam. And then to our friends. I felt so embarassed and ashamed. "That was ridiculous and uncalled for" I thought.
How could I act like that, much less in public? Ugh.
But then I noticed our friends laughing and Heather saying, "it's okay! We get it! We've been there LOTS!" and then David said, "I have to laugh, because it lets me know I'm not the only one!"
There words helped me more than they will ever know. It helped me understand that I am not alone. That it happens. Sometimes things build and build and build and then in a split second you can't control everything you wish you could and you break a little bit.
Mama's are awesome. But, we're not superheroes. (Daddy's too).
So, anyway. There you have it. Life. Real, hard, crazy, but absolutely amazing, incredible life.
The moments no one is proud of, but the moments where I learned a big lesson that day and understood that I will always be a work in progress, especially as a mom.
Needless to say, I held my babies tighter that night and apologized for my behavior. It's good to know they stil and will always love me. :)
