the little things

lunch needs to get here.

and i say this not because i wanna eat. cuz i don't. i'm really not hungry for anything right now.

i say this because at 12:30 [in an hr & 20 minutes.] i get a break.

an hour break to nap. or work on more invitations. or pea. or blog. or just chill.

at 1:30, when lunch is over, it means i only have 3 more hrs of the workday,and for that i'm glad

this has been a long week.

lack of sleep. mucho lack of sleep, honestly. busy night every night. phone calls GALORE [ i think my friends all get together& decide to call me at the same time!]. work is hopping. baby shower at work, which meant i had to "cook"..made something easy & that's always a hit. [thanks, nate!]. started tanning. went a whopping 5 minutes the first night & 6 last night..and i'm red& starting to itch a bit. i have it under control as of now tho, so that's a great thing.

i can't wait to be bronze again. i hate being pasty! haha.

rascal flatts. june 11th. rock on.

nate & i are buying tickets tomorrow a.m. i'm stoked.

DATE NIGHT tonight with my guy! i'm excited to spend time with him.

hittin up our fave chinese restaurant, then, we're seeing the movie with denzel washington?? i forget the name.

anyways. lunch. please get here. i don't think i can handle another email with a stupid question or more paperwork that just reults in papercuts galore, that hurt & then itch! i need an hour of me time to chill. no interruptions or headaches.

here's to a great weekend, everyone.

ummm..yeah.

not a ton of stuff going on. and if there is, i just don't remember!

not really feeling blogging lately and to be honest, the reason i still have it is cuz i don't want my old posts to be gone forever, so until i have some time to print the important one, this remains. haha.

invites are coming along. working on them everyday at lunch.

i think i have like 40 or so done? i did another 14 today. yey!

there's so much assembling! haha.

weekend was grand. even tho i forget most of it! *lol*

had a bridal shower sunday. good times.

nate & i had a yummy dinner at max & erma's.

went to joann's. watched this cute show on TLC about little people. loved it! haha.

i went back to my house cuz nate had a group meeting at 8. which didn't really happen, so i convinced him to come see me!! and he did & didn't leave til 3 a.m! maybe that's why i'm so sleepy today! ;)

life is crazy busy, boring. doesn't make sense to me either. ha.

list.

-getting my hair cut. don't know when. don't know how. but i am. before our engagement photos, which will be ?? prolly may.

-starting tanning again tomorrow!! excited.

-nate & i have our first session of counseling with my pastor tonight. can you say nervous?!

-rented derailed this weekend. good movie. and last castle. it was good too.

-movie date with my nate friday night! [that kinda rhymed! ha.] what should we see?? it's been since january since we've been to the movies..i don't even know what's playing right now.

-get to hang out with my girl, melanie thursday night! yeyyyy!

-ummmm i don't know what else to say.

!!

call it lucky.

i often complain about my job. not so much about WHERE i work, but more about WHAT i do. i am grateful to have a decent job, with good benefits & job security, but in my heart i know this is just isn't what i am meant to do for therest of my life. if someone were to ask me just what DO i think i'm meant to do, i'd say graphic design. for the obvious reasons: i love design. i love color. i love creativity. i love art. lines,shapes,forms, size...love it all. but, most importantly, thefactor lies in what God wants me to do. and right now, it's medical billing.

and it's days like today...where i have a busybusybusy morning full of paperwork,phone calls,voicemails,dry hands & paper cuts and just want to 'argh!' at something and great afternoons like right now..full of feelings of accomplishments [yey on all 300 claims being gathered, checked,attached & sent today!! the largest billing run i've ever had! ha. annnnyways..], organization and most importantly..laughter with co-worker's that SERIOUSLY almost made me pee my pants! i laughed so hard i couldn't breathe! that make understand why God has me hereright now. the madness. i love days like today. sometimes even almost better than fridays. i said almost. ;) i love being able to joke with the girls i work. i love getting to know them better. i love checking up on them & seeing what's new. i love that they love stories about nate & i. i love that they ask how things are going with the planning & if they're invited. not just because they want free food & the ability to talk about it when it's over, but because i know they truly, genuinely care. always nice to have that. :)

for once, instead of dissing on the job that pays my bills, today i feel like listing the good things, so here goes. i apologize now if it's a short list! *lol(

-teamwork. we work as a team & it's wonderful.

-the ability to joke & poke fun at one another & NOT have it start drama.

-great benefits.

-security that i will always have a job..people will always have medical needs, which equals bills, which equals ME, the billah' sendin' their way!! *grin*

-snacks. tho i usually do real well with the temptations of the yummy schtuff the ladies whip up. just the thought alone makes me smile.

-jeans day!!! which is TOMORROW!! woot!

-managers that are REAL. they smile & ask how you are. wonder what's going on with you. they aren't stuck up and take their "boss" title so seriously it hurts. joining in on all the fun we have here: baby showers,Christmas gift exhanges, retirement parties, snack days, etc. it's just nice.

-flexibility. i get Paid Time Off the best anyone could ever ask for! we pretty much average about 30 days off a year. all of which we can use however we please! it rocks! also, if something comes up during work, no problems just letting a supervisor know & leaving...no questions asked. [unless it becomes a habit, of course.] it's great.

-other kind "co-worker's" who aren't in my department, but in the same building who are super friendly & fun.

-my parking spot. it's nothing exceptional to talk about, other than the fact it holds special meaning to me a little bit [yes,you read right, i did just said that a parking spot holds special meaning to me! haha.] you see, when i first interviewed for this job almost 2 years ago, i parked in that spot. the spot furthest from the building, kind of in the center, with a distinct chunk of concrete taken out of the parking stop thing. i landed the job quickly & that's my spot! i've parked there everyday since! [nerd. i know. ;)] *lol*

anyways...it's 25 minutes til the end of the day..so i should prolly finish up a few things.  the crazy shot up there is me, here at work today...in all my goofy, craziness! haha! ;)

happenin'

nate & i kept busy this weekend. kinda.

friday, we met up with my friend, Tara. had dinner at Ruby Tuesdays. YUM. i had this mad craving for ribs. so i got 'em! they weren't the best ever, but they were good. right along side my strawberry lemonade. mmm.! eating out is draining Nate & i though. so, we're sticking to our new plan, starting today: only eating out once a week. i plan on making it either chinese or taco bell most of the time! ;) *lol*

after dinner, we went to Target. $50 later, we had some new green & orange cups for our future kitchen, Jarhead DVD, Trains, Planes & Automobiles DVD & some other junk! [can you tell I am marrying a communications major?! who LOVES media?! our DVD collection just keeps growing now matter that we're wasting money that could easily go towards the wedding on his addiction! *wink*] all in all, fun night! Tara liked the dresses & now we just need to agree on a time to go for her to get sized & order the dress! and soooon, cuz they need ordered by the beginning of April!

had a late night Friday, cuz after dinner& Target, Nate & I then headed to Walmart, where we picked up some groceries for dinner Saturday. ended up buying a sweeper on sale [this kind of stuff we wanted to wait for our wedding, but with him moving somewhere [[hopefully]] this summer, this was a must, plus it was a good deal!].

after that we came home & Nate wasn't feeling super well. He'd been dealing with a head cold/sinuses junk all day. we chilled out & watched JarHead. i *believe* i zonked out for a little bit! oops. ha. It was past one in the morning, Nate was going to leave & felt super sick. Being a typical male, he couldn't tell me exactly what hurt, just that he felt sick! aww. i felt so bad for him. I always hate when i can't help someone who needs it. I was nervous about him driving back to college, so I packed up Craemer & drove him back to school after 2 a.m.!

I got home a little after 3...got to sleep for about 5 hours until i had to be up again to meet with a girl at the salon i'm having my hair done for the wedding. the consultation went really well. it was short & informative. i booked mine & megan's appointments for 8 a.m. on the wedding day! i think i'll be getting a pedicure then too! OH BUDDY! :) i still need to talk to the rest of the girls, but i'm hoping this is something all or most will want to do too! we are able to hang out there..they have tables & chairs for lounging...a refrigerator, microwave,toaster..all kinds of schtuff to use the morning of..which is so nice! i'm also thinking of having them do my makeup, just not sure that's something i want to spend my money on right now. we'll see!

speaking of the girls...take a look at their flips to be worn before the ceremony for the outdorr photos & for the receptiom! thanks to Old Navy, they're all set, except Megan who I still need to find a size 9 for! check mine & Lauren's too! Chunky, with glitter & sequins!! FUN stuff! :)

after the consultation, sick Nate called me a little while later to have me pick him up. poor guy. came home & eventually got to work on our invites. wow. this is a LOT of work! i never realized we'd do so much printing,measuring, marking,cutting,rounding,tying, adhering EVER! ha. after a few hours of work, we have all the invites printed, most of the green,orange & white cardstock cut, some of the ribbon cut, some of it knotted, and all of what we have cut, corner rounded [thanks to Nate who rounded all one hundred & some of each color!]. after all that, i was pooped. i managed to have a huge breakdown. threw a fit cuz the measurements weren't looking right, the invites sucked, the phone kept ringing. i was insanely annoyed! poor Nate! i took several deep breaths & just stopped working on it all & then managed to get a whopping TWO invites completed! ha. [see photo <----that's a completed one with the green addition! what do ya'll think?!] only 120 to go! *lol* i plan on trying to complete at least 5 a day. shouldn't take me too long with a setup like that i don't think. after the invites fiasco, Nate made me dinner. Chicken Alfredo with mushrooms. YUM! this man can cook!! he made it all while i scrapped! so, not only does he cook for me, but he lets me scrap while he does it!! Goodness, i am a lucky girl! ;) [love u honey..."bunches of oats!!" *GRIN*]

after that yummy dinner, we went to the toystore where Megan works to check out some stamps for our favor boxes. we originally bought 2 Hero Arts stamps to use, but after I got them home, i just wasn't feeling them for our wedding! ended up finding just what we want in a catalog and even found "our song" that says You & Me!!! couldn't pass that one up either! can't wait to scrap with it! so, we ordered those 2 & then I'll play around with it/them [maybe?!] on some boxes!

i didn't realize i had all this DIY to do!! sooo much! invites, programs,rehearsal dinner invites, favors, unity candle, and who knows what else i'll find! ha.

came home and made cookies. yey for TollHouse break aparts! ha.

finished watching the Sixth Sense with the parentals..i forgot what a good movie that is!

agreed not to go to church yesterday, so we could both catch up on some rest.

i was up 5 minutes yesterday morning & there was my guy on the front steps! :) LOVE it!!

we spent the day chillaxin..watched some tv..ate too much...got the best backrubs ever!! hung out for a little bit with the parentals again..didn't get to watch the NASCAR race since it was cancelled due to rain..i just love being with Nate. LOVE it. love that we can laugh & joke. love that he loves me even when i don't love myself at times. love that he sees what i can't in me. love that we are going to be husband & wife in just a few months!!! the time seriously cannot get her soon enough. i never like Mondays cuz it usually means a whole week without seeing each other. i miss his hugs. his kisses. his eyes. that cuuute grin. i miss the way he smells & when he hold my hand. i miss his kind words & whispers in my ear. i miss him. :(

anywhoo...late night again last night...i managed to get about 5 hours of sleep! awesome.

and here it is, Monday. woowoo.

this means, i eat out less. i have to make at least 5 invitation tonight. i should workout. it's SPRING! even tho OhiO sucks & it's just another cold, ugly winter day! ha. i get at least 7.5 hours of sleep tonight. i call the cake lady tonight. i return mindy's phone call from Friday, that i forgot to return! :)

happy monday. happy spring! :)

 

found it!

my dress that is! :) i am sooo excited! it's pretty much perfect! :)

unfortunetly, i can't disclose any information about it, as the fiance checks this everyday ;) and because it's something i want to keep as much of a surprise as possible.

just wanted to share that that step is DONE!!!

it's friday & i couldn't be more happy.

i am tired. moody. grumpy and just flat out SICK of work!

today is going horrible. i have a massive headache & patient's are reallly urking me today!

as well as some co-worker's & the fact that i just canNOT get caught up on anything here!

just happy that i get to spend tonight with Nate & my friend Tara..who knows what we're doing tho! and this weekend chilling, as we work on invites & computer stuff! :)

hope everyone has a great one!!

seven.

seven

is our lucky number.

we're having seven bridesmaids & seven groomsmen.

we'll be together seven months next month.

as of yesterday we have seven months until we're husband & wife.

in honor of that number, nate got me these:

!!! seven roses!!!

he's never gotten me flowers before & i love them so much! 3 red, 3 pink & 1 orange. complete with a precious poem tied with a pink ribbon!

i love surprises, and surprised i was when i walked into my room last night after work & saw them sitting on my scrap table! just made my night THAT much better! :)

had a great time eating & shopping with my friend, Melanie from high school who i haven't hung with in FOREVER and Nate! i enjoyed hanging out with Melanie again, she's sooo happy since finding such a wonderful guy who is now her hubby, Shane. :) makes my heart happy to see her so happy! stopped by Old Navy to pick up a paid of khaki's for me moi & a pair of jeans for Nate...too bad we didn't just stop there. i ended up getting all the girls [but Megan's cuz she's got ginormous feet! *lol*] their white flip flops to wear for photos and/or the reception. also picked up the snaziest little white flips with glitter/rhinestone things on them for Lauren! and a cuuute pink,orange & light lime green floral purse for her too!! which reminds me; we've added a color to our scheme; "lime" green! :) i'm pumped! i think it'll add something extra to the pink & orange & since my bouquet was going to have the green anyways, it just makes sense! :) also picked up 2 new tanks & a tshirt for me & a polo for the hubby-to-be! Melanie scored some great finds too...her hubby will be happy all the way in Iraq since he wanted her to buy some new things for herself..how sweet is that?!

a trip to the mall was then made...found 2 dvd's on sale. finally got Thelma & Louise!! i love that movie! :) heee. found nothing else, which was probably a great thing! went to Coldstone afterwards. yum. got CandyLand..cake batter icecream, with M&M's,snickers & Kit Kat...mmm...so bad for me, but i couldn't resist it!

Nate & I dropped Melanie off & headed back to my house to catch the last 15 minutes of American Idol....all i have to say is, Chris WILL win!!! :) and i still heart Mandissa & Taylor! heeee! after that, we watched Office Space, cuz Nate & I bought it last week & I have never seen it. funny movie. even tho i feel asleep twice! so sleepy!

feel a little listy this morning, so here goes!

-today is hUmp dAy! woot!

-thinking about trying out for the CherryArte Design Team. i probably wouldn't make it, but i love their product & it seems like a great company. hmmm..thinking.

-forgot earrings this morning! i never forget earrings! what a dork.

-ran so late this a.m. i had to eat my cereal in a plastic bowl on my way to work...and it's a tad snowy/icy here this morning! *lol*

-after above cereal was finished[with a little bit of milk left over, mind you], i placed the bowl & the spoon on the floor of my car..and just as i stopped at a light, my OPEN purse fell right INTO the bowl, leaving a dime directly on the spoon & a silver necklace behind! NICE. *lol*

-i am sleepy. yey for having tomorrow off!

-dress shopping is tomorrow. yipes! *crossing my fingers i find one!*

-i've got a 7th Bridesmaid!!!!! asked my friend, Tara from college Monday night & she said yes, without hesitation! so excited!

-invites to be started Saturday. i'm pumped to get these guys goin!

-stopped by my dad's house Monday night to visit & have to say it went REALLY well. i brought the wedding notebook to show him the guest list & the invites, etc. he added a couple names and LOVED the invites! he kept asking me if i really made them & said they were great & i needed to make them for other people! haha. i got to drive his new truck into town...which is ginormous by the way! and actually really enjoyed being with him! God is Good! :)

-speaking of Guest List, i re-wrote ours yesterday. ummm..so after cutting it from 300 down to what we *thought* was about 217...we somehow now have 242! YIKES! we're keeping it as is, and expect 1/3 NOT to show, so we should be ok. but still. how did that happen?! *lol*

-3 friends this week. melanie yesterday, heather tomorrow & tara friday!! good times! i am blessed.

-spring is in FIVE days! oh buddy. too bad OhiO is lame & prolly won't show a true spring til May! haha.

-Nate graduates college in like 7 weeks!! yey!!

-anxious to start checking out our options for Columbus. Hope to do that this weekend!

-that is all. ;)

possibilities.

it never fails that every weekend brings something new, something serious to Nate & i.

we had a great weekend. friday night, nate picked me up from work, we had a yummy dinner at Applebee's..saw lots of people we know [gotta love a small town!]..some good, some bad. the good was Mindy and a couple other gals..love her! and the worst was one of my "friends" who i am no longer with, katie & her parents. ugh. that's just my luck tho!

our dinner was a little longer than we anticipated, so when we got to my church to clean..they were all finished! we just hung out & talked for a bit, then went to DQ with my parents. fun stuff!

came home & put Coach Carter in [love that movie!]..too bad i was so sleepy, i feel asleep half way through! oops! ha.

got up early Saturday morning so we could head out for Columbus to vist my cousin & her new hubby. i was so excited for the day...it had been a while since i had been there & little did i know, i'd like it as much as i did...so much so,Nate & i are VERY serious about starting our life together there! :)after lunch, we went to another mall...loved t! found some great stores & got some good deals from Yankee! picked up a tart warmer that Stephanie talked me into, and a cute primitive-like lantern that holds a tealight for our future bedroom, that we've agreed to go primitive on!!! i love primitive style...and we're hoping to get a white bed, and go with blue & green accents..as well as saving money & just using the dressers each of us have now [they're oak! ha. our apartment is gonna match SO well!! *lol*]..anywhoo..

from the second we got into their area, i liked it. i liked their apartment, the community, everything. the number of jobs is much greater too..which is a main priority for both of us, of course. we hung out with them, & then went to the outdoor mall, Easton..which i love! and we ate lunch at the Cheescake Factory!! mmmm...delicious! it would have been a perfect day in my flips, had it not been rainy. but,we made the best of it! i *heart* Crate & Barrel & Pottery Barn! too bad my budget doesn't involve $50 pillows or a $2,000 bed! ha.

after the mall, we headed back to their apartment & the guys burnt some cd's while steph & i chatted & played with her adorable cat...i want him!! :)

on the way home Nate & i talked about how much we liked it there & could see ourselves living there. we had a great discussion of plans. kinda exciting! came home, and *thought* we'd head to a party we were invited to, but were just too beat! we stayed home & played a new game with Megan & then chilled the rest of the night.

Sunday morning, while gettingready for church, all i could think about was Columbus. and moving there. on the way to church, i told nate my thoughts. i told him maybe we should wait here a year...then move. with all the wedding craziness & everything. he looked at me & quietly said, "ok" which i knew was not ok with him, so i told him to be honest & asked him what he wanted.

he wants to get a job down there & move as soon as possible after graduating this summer [which will be early july]!!

i have no problems with this, aside from so much other stuff going on this summer, but we both know that if this where God wants us to go, we will go! i will need to look for another job down there as well...and the timing just needs to be right, i guess. if he goes down & i'm still looking for a job, etc...we will only get to see each other less than we do now [which is usually only the weekends] & if i happen to get a job sooner rather than later down there, we'd have to do something some people would have issues with & that's moving in with one another. plus, planning the wedding an hour & a half north of our new home! craziness!!

sooo much to think about! my parents are happy about it...my dad doesn't know yet. plan on mentioning it to him tonight.

it's exciting & stressful all at the same time. we will see, i guess!

after church [and nate getting his car stuck in the mud in the parking lot!!! haha], we headed to get lunch...chinese, like always! then to kohl's where i found some good deals & bought my outfits for engagement photos coming up in May! i was stoked! as well as flips for the reception! WMART for plastic containers & such & JCPenny for shoes to match the new outfit! :) heee!

i was tired & we still had my entire closet to clean out! came home and got to work on the closet. oh my. 4.5 hours, 6 trash bags & 2 more trash bags for goodwill later..it's done & CLEAN!!!! i tossed a BUNCH of the backstreet boys stuff, but honestly, not all..i still have a rubbermaid container full of stuff that i just couldn't part with yet! haha. but, i did wayyyy better than i thought i would! i had so much crap! ha.

i can close BOTH doors of it it now, we moved all the wedding & house stuff out into the main part of the basement...i actually have a floor & an empty corner in there now!! it feels good! i dusted some things & Nate swept my floor...we burnt some yummy new candles...all is well! :)

next up is my scrapbook stuff...and under my bed. woo woo.

wedding related:

-wanna start on my invites this week...busy tonight & possibly tomorrow night, but hoping for wednesday night!

-i'm off thursday...planning on going to bridal store A to return the veil they got wrong :( & then it's dress shopping at another bridal store! :)

-also wanna start stamping my favor boxes just to have those out of the way. still not for sure what i wanna do with those yet.

-also want to start on the programs but still need to decide on that 7th BM!! i can't get ahold of Miss Tara! ha. my greatest co-worker might honestly be another candidate just cuz she's like a second mom to me & is ALWAYS there for me & we get along so great....would that be strange?! both Nate & my mom suggested having her...just not sure yet!

i'm off to drink my water have a lean cuisine! ;)

thought i'd share..

since my wonderful fiance fixed my modem on my PC yesterday & it's now back in possession...& working wonderfully, i might add!! ;) i thought i'd share some of the pages i did on hiatus from my comp! :)

since it's nice out today...a lil' one about my fave summer attire, flip flops!!

 

nate did this one last weekend!!! how cute is he?! and how hott is that Dodge Challenger?! he was so proud of this & i am SO proud of him! :)

took some photos of megan last week...she's sooo stinkin beautiful..it makes me sick!! *lol*  had to document '16' before she turns 17 in less than 3 months! craziness!

k..off to get ready for CBUS!! have a great weekend! :)

4 days.

nate is coming over & actually gets to spend the night with parental permission tonight!! mandatory power outage at his college from 10 tonight until 6 in the morning...he has no place to stay BUT with me...awww shucks! ;)

i'm really excited to see him. i miss him so much when we're not together. it will be 4 days of being together starting today, ending sunday!

tomorrow morning he's taking me to work & then going back to school to work on my computer & stuff..and then, he's picking me up from work & we're going to my church to help with the construction cleanup [the building is coming along awesomely, btw!].

saturday, we're heading for Columbus to visit my cousin & her new husband..see their apartment & i'm sure we'll go out to eat & maybe shop! gonna be one of those, 'go with the flow kinda days!' which i love. it's supposed to be pretty nice this weekend..in the 60's! i'm excited! :)

don't really have anything planned for sunday..i think it will be a good day to work on some stuff for the wedding...i want to get my room cleaned up some more. i've slowly started to go through some of my junk..and what a chore! nate doesn't like that i'm a pack rat..and neither do i. but i am sentimental. i hold onto everything.

we started on the right side of my closest a couple months ago. i pitched a bunch of papers & stuff...but i just couldn't get rid of all my backstreet boys stuff *hangs head in shame* [nate realllly wants me to part with this stuff! ha] and i know it's corny to hold onto it all [and there is a TON of it!!] and i know it will help with storage & stuff when we move,and i know i don't use it and never will...but, i just can't do it yet! *lol*

i still have the left side of my closet to work on...i also need to get the clothes i don't or *can't* wear right now in plastic containers. we also cleaned out a cabinet and a bookshelf i have in my basement where my computer is last weekend...that felt good!

i knew i had a lot of stuff, but never realized i had THIS much!

these are my 'spring cleaning' months...so i need to do it. i need to get organized. i used to be organized...but mid-college, i seemed to start slacking & ireally can't stand it!

i think it worries nate a little to see my room in such shambles...i know he thinks i'll let our future home get that crazy, but i promise..i won't! i cannot live in a place that is so cluttered & messy!

in other news...

-dress shopping is in ONE week!! yey!

-i am sooo annoyed with a co-worker. i just want to slap her! she thinks she's better than everyone else & it drives me crazy!

-i talked to my dad today. i sent him an email yesterday..turns out he didn't get it & won't get it, since he's having problems with his internet connection...but, i am putting aside the money issues & just taking a deep breath with all of this & letting him do his thing. i am selfish with that & i don't want to be. we are working on some things & i am going to visit him monday night after work. thanks for the kind words & understanding.

-spring is in 11 days!!

-i am stinkin addicted to those darn little choc. cadbury eggs.

-WW is going...ummmm slow, but it's going.

-i was "accused" of 2 different things at work today...the first, for bringing in fattening foods [Entemann's danishes, etc.] that i DIDN'T bring in!! the girls thought i did b/c the girl who actually brought them in, used my email acct. to email the entire dept to notify the goods were in the kitchen! *lol* and the second accusation was a broken copier, that i DIDN'T break, but a co-worker did!! i love it! it's been a funny day! :)

-i love when i get funny phone calls from patients who seem high. dead serious! it's always good for a laugh after the hang up tho!

-i have scrapped like 6 pages while my computer has been gone...and it's been nice! i'll post them when it returns.

-hooked to: american idol [chris will win it all! tho i like mandisa, elliot & taylor too!], sons & daughters--freakin hilarious show!! and that new miracle workers show...such a great way to spend an hour of my time..love it!

-also love james blunt's cd...the dude has amazing lyrics!! and bo bice's cd [i was surprised, actually!]

anyways....i've slacked enough! oops. ;)

what hurts the most.

is that i can't have a normal relationship with my dad.

it's not about his money.

it's not about what he has or hasn't done in the past.

it's not about how bad he makes me feel.

it's not about the way he blames everyone else for his mistakes.

it's not about what he can do for me or anyone else.

it's that i can't fix it.

it's that he & i will never have the normal father/daughter bond.

it's that i struggle & no one seems to understand.

it's when we're together, we pretty much have nothing to talk about.

it's about him being my father, and i being his daughter & this. just. not. working.

no one understands but me.

what do you do when someone tells you that you should lighten up on your dad, that it's always about money with me, that's all it ever seems to be about with me & him??

it hurt to hear those words from that someone. because that's so not the way it is.

when a person hurts you as bad as my dad has, it scars. no matter how positive you try to be about it, or forgive & forget..you still have the battle wounds. i know i do.

i struggle with trying to be as UNlike my dad as i can be,but i worry, because just as of recent...i have noticed things in myself that my dad does. those things that i never wanted to do, i'm doing. it worries me that these behaviors & actions will rub off on my children one day. that i'll treat them like my dad has me. and that is the absolute LAST thing i could ever want. i also don't want to treat Nate the way my dad did my mom. it just won't work. i get upset to my stomach when i think of just how rotten i can be to the people i love. selfish. cruel. hurtful. bossy. not always smiles & laughs. deep down i fight the urge to just blow up at every little thing...and sometimes i do.

i don't want to do that.

that's my dad. not me. while i am not perfect, i can strive to be better.

7 months and i'll be a wife. which will eventually lead into becoming what i've wanted to be my entire life: a mom.

i will be responsible with nate in bringing our children up as well as can be. to be kind and honest. have Christ in their heart & influence them to do good things & do them well. lift them up when they're down & give them lots and lots of love. :) teach them & help them grow.

i can't wait to be a mom and a good one at that.

"momhood" is a little bit away [in case anyone was worried! ha.] but i have to be honest; i think about it everyday. and i smile. and i worry. and sometimes i want to cry & then, sometimes i get excited. i need some time to prepare myself for those duties. those responsibilities. i have a lot of growing myself to do. and instead of worrying about what i won't do right, i need to focus on what i will do right & what i can strive upon.

i can't fear the characteristics of my dad in me. instead, i need to push through & refuse to let that bad behavior scare me.

i've come to the realization that i will never be close to my dad. we will never have much in common and that no matter what anyone says, i can't just get over how he has & continues to treat me, even behind his occasional phone calls or questions of concern. because as always, there will always be a negative remark. a put down. a mix of hurtful words. always. that will never change.

what hurts the most is that we just won't ever be.