I wish I could say it's just lately that I have been feeling overwhelmed, but that wouldn't be honest.
It's more like the last few months. I think with having a very active 7/8/9 month old, working part-time, being pregnant and trying to manage our home it's just wearing me out.
For some silly reason I thought I could "do it all." You know-balance the family, my health, our schedules, work...all with a big smile on my face.
I have spent many days and nights in prayer. Just asking the Lord to show me what He would like me to do.
I couldn't understand it.
I've felt so guilty about this, because I am SO very blessed. I have a loving, kind, helpful and supportive husband. A beautiful, smart, silly little boy who is the best gift ever. I have another sweet boy on the way, when we never thought the first one could even happen! I have a job. Nate has a job and is continuing to grow and do good things with it. We have a home and clothes and food in our bellies. We have a loving bunch of family and friends, as well as a great church home. We are truly BLESSED.
So, why was I feeling all these things? Like, the feeling of knowing and WANTING to enjoy ever thing, good and bad-but just holding out. Not wanting to fully BE in anything for fear of failure or stress or being too tired.
Tis true, I AM tired.
But, over the past few days the Lord has laid on my heart why I am here. What my purpose today is.
It's to be ALL IN for Him.
Not perfect.
None of us are.
It's to be a good servant to Him. A good wife to Nate. A loving and patient mom to Grayson (and Liam :)). A respectful daughter. A good friend and hard worker.
Even when I don't necessarily want to be or feel I can be.
He's showing me everyday that life is not perfect and every situation cannot certainly always go my way.
But, to just trust. Have faith in His word. His desires.
He won't let me down.
I am slowly learning to let go of so much worry and doubt of being "perfect." Instead I'm here to focus on making the most of what's truly important.
To enjoy life.
One of the first things I decided that needed to be worked on was getting in some time during the day for me or Nate and I. Grayson has always napped in his swing or in our arms. For nearly 10 months.
And it finally took it's toll on both of us. Especially with Liam coming ina few short months, I was so overwhelmed with just the thought of having two little ones screaming and wanting to be held or rocked to sleep.
The time came to "cry it out"--for us both! ;)
I'm happy to say with many friends and family's encouragement (and many prayers!) we are having success with Grayson napping on his own, on more of a schedule and happily doing it.
I can't tell you how much goodness has come of this little change. I feel like I'm getting things done more, I have more pep in my step and I know Grayson is benefiting greatly from it all too, which is the most important thing. Yesterday was only day 2 of our new routine and he didn't even cry when we put him down for naps. And no crying today either!
The Lord hears our cries and knows our needs before we do(and often when we don't even know what we need) and I am so thankful for His hand on this situation and me, as His child.
I knew things just didn't feel right within and am so happy I have vowed to challenge myself and work on ME. That is, afterall, how I can be the best wife and mom to the ones I love.
Life is good. Even with a pile of laundry waiting to be folded, or a sink full of dishes needing to be washed, or dinner to be cooked, or a baby to be changed or bathed. Life is good.
